I was reading about my Biblical namesake Deborah, a judge and prophetess in Israel during a time when it was under the control of the Canaanites. She was one of those protean Old Testament women who exploit the antithesis between her social status and her gender. But her role as a judge is what interests… Continue reading Best judgment / May 16, 2006
I took a vacation day from work today and realized how much the idea of “vacation” has changed. I can’t really go anywhere too far away, or for too long a time, without some preparation. First I have to decide what I can tell my mother–not because I want to deceive her but because there… Continue reading What matters / May 4, 2006
I was awfully angry for the past couple of weeks. I just don’t know what to do with it sometimes. I’m so used to rationalizing but of course I can’t rationalize this. Watching my mother sit in the same spot, day after day, disappearing into herself can be excruciating. I can’t talk to her about… Continue reading Glimpses and spells / April 26, 2006
One of my recurring dreams features a couple of pet birds I once owned. Often I dream that I’ve forgotten to feed them for weeks, and I find them barely hanging on to life. Last night I dreamt that one had died in its cage, and I didn’t even notice until well after the fact.… Continue reading Intangible #1 / April 13, 2009
Yesterday I came home from an unsettling day at work to find my mother making dinner. She had put three place settings out. Is Liz coming for dinner? I asked, and she looked bewildered. You have three dishes out. She rolled her eyes. I always expect other people–I always think someone else is coming home, she said. I wish. I wish… Continue reading The others / April 8, 2006
A good day, and then a bad day. Yesterday Mary spent time with my mother, and when I came home from work she was bright and sharp. When I came home today I found the front door locked and had to rummage for the key to let myself in. My mother was sitting right there. I… Continue reading Good day, bad day / April 4, 2006
Sundays are usually tough. Today I was battling a migraine, which means not only an aversion to light but also an awful lethargy. Every act seems protean. I knew that my mother likes me to take her out on the weekends but today I just couldn’t do it. And I’m reaching a point where That’s… Continue reading That’s that / April 2, 2006
Yesterday and today were good days. My mother’s home companion started yesterday, and I was surprised at how well my mother took it all. She’s fretting a bit about having to entertain Mary, despite my telling her that it should be the other way around. But when I got home from work on both days… Continue reading Sanctuaries / March 30, 2006
I’ve noticed over the past month or two a change in my mother. She’s just a little bit blanker. I can say something to her and her face registers nothing, not even puzzlement. I repeat what I said, a little louder, and she says I heard you. But how could I tell? I can see that… Continue reading Equilibrium / March 28, 2006
Some days, I’m situationally tired. In other words, I know that I’ll feel better after a good sleep. On other days–more and more of them–I’m so tired that I’m even more exhausted after sleeping. I have dreams that just remind me of my waking life. Today I actually called in sick to work, did not… Continue reading My learning curve / March 23, 2006
